What it Means to be Feminine

Sahar

For a female, growing up in an Afghan household is not always a walk in the park. One has to deal with conservative expectations of what a woman is, how she should behave and how she must present herself in her community. Expectations of women’s behaviour aren’t exactly limited to Afghanis or Muslim households, but also apply in the broader Western society we live in. With minor variations, there are particular qualities that signify ‘feminine’ and are attributable to women.

I’ve always been considered quite a ‘masculine’ girl. During high school, I was mouthy, had a bit of an attitude and was quite opinionated. I found myself cringing or getting defensive in response to anyone who would point out that I was not behaving like a woman. As a result, I developed a bit of a complex. What is interesting though, it was not necessarily my appearance that triggered these responses but my behaviour. “Why don’t you ever act like a woman Sahar”? Male friends always keep telling me. “You know, you’d make a great woman if you just get over your penis envy”. In my university years, I remember Muslim male friends getting together talking about politics and telling me to “shut up and look pretty”. Politics was male domain and my presence was more of a display, an exhibition.

These suggestions typify the responses from many men I’ve known over the years. It was not until much later that I started to understand such remarks.

Although my appearance identifies me as a woman, and to some men, even an attractive one (go figure). I have long hair, dress well and generally take care of my appearance. There are aspects of my personality that for many men do not fit aptly with my appearance. So there really isn’t anything ‘butch’ about my appearance. I am, however, politically active, confrontational at times, opinionated, ambitious, and independent. I know how to defend myself; in other words, I’m competent. These qualities aren’t normally identified with women and aren’t recognised as ‘feminine’. So being ‘feminine’ means not only to look ‘feminine’ but behave in a particular way as well. Being ‘feminine’ usually connotes lacking an intelligent opinion, dependent, passive/timid, incompetent, and so on. If you lack these qualities, the signifiers of ‘femininity’, you’re either deemed unattractive or just ‘masculine’

It is not that I don’t think there is an intrinsic difference in men and women, and that it does not translate into different types of behaviour—I’m increasingly realizing that difference does indeed exist. Aside from biological differences, there are certain inherent behavioral differences. Within feminist circles, that’s a controversial statement to make. I agree with feminist psychologist Carol Gilligan who argues that behavioural differences in men and women do exist. Socialization cannot simply explain them. However, I contest the exploitation of our differences in society. Certain types of qualities are only attributed to men, and these qualities are often valued more in society. That is where the socialisation role has its affect.

‘Masculine’ attributes, like independence, competitive drive, ambition, being learned are considered the ‘tools’ in order to get ahead. These qualities we identify with those who are successful; and success is often considered a male domain. This is why many women feel they need to practically mimic men’s behaviour to have any credibility in positions of power. Women’s qualities are meant to be complementary to this and not as valued. In fact, the limited attributes that define femininity are perceived pejoratively. Femininity conjures up weakness, submission, coyness. In other words, women are socialized and identified by a more subordinate femininity.

A subordinate femininity is not the example set by the first Muslim women in our tradition. They provide us with an example of what it is to be a woman. We have the example of Nuseiba who the blog is named after. She fought in battles and was known for her courage and bravery. The qualities that she possessed and was praised for, even by the Prophet himself, are qualities we associate with men. Then there is Aisha, one of the wives of the Prophet, who was a highly learned woman and narrated over 2000 hadith. The Prophet’s first wife, Khadija, was a confident business woman who even proposed to the Prophet. These are examples of women who weren’t caught up in the superficial experiences of what is considered to be ‘womanhood’, but showed strength, intelligence, leadership and a type of femininity that was valued in the community. History seems to have been re-written, and the image of these women seems to have been moulded into something different. Today, the prevailing image of what is truly feminine does not go beyond the domestic.

Ignoring this tradition, it is interesting to see how Muslim men are intimidated by women who are ambitious, successful and confident. Initially, they find them attractive or curious, but this attraction eventuates into either shunning them or moulding them into what they believe a woman should be like.

Islam’s female figures remind us that there is more to femininity than what is commonly understood. While women do have distinctive qualities, for instance, being more in tune with human emotion and compassionate, which enables better ethics; however, they can also be strong, independent, assertive, confident and successful. That is what femininity is all about. It’s time we stop seeing femininity in submissive terms.

So rather than the reactionary feminine attributes that are always presented in pink, giggly, shopaholic, too emotionally dependent, and timid forms, it’ll be nice to go beyond these and recognize qualities in women that fosters an understanding of their genuine contribution to society. Perhaps then maybe men won’t find it so perplexing to encounter a woman who prioritises developing her mind and contributing to her community than say, shopping and getting dolled up.

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• Karin